my Dreams

January 14th, 2006 by Quatrux

For a while I started to have a period of dreams, I never liked to read what do dreams mean, but thought to write it and understand myself what problems do I have. I used to rarely dream, only the end parts when waking up, so that means I used to sleep well, because people who does not dream and remember only black screen, mean were in a deep sleep and their body has relaxed and has rested. So I started to dream a lot for some time now, I don’t try to remember the dreams, it is better to forget them, but when I try to do it in the morning I understand something has happened, I started to feel a lot of pain in my dreams. For example, recently I was closing the balcony windows and some cats has jumped in, I kicked their butts, but one was offensive and grabbed into my arm, I tried to through him out, but the pain created to my arm by his teeth was enormous, I woke up and felt the pain, even though no one was near me, but eventually in three seconds period it vanished. It was only one example from a few.. I was kicked in a dream, I jumped and felt onto the ground and what scares me mostly, some weeks ago I dreamed how I died in a car accident, I got squashed by a car and felt the pain, it hurt so much that I woke and could not say a word, my every muscle was pulled, but after three seconds I understood it was a dream, I would not call it a nightmare though, I was enjoying it when looking with my eyes I got overridden by the car and saw myself from the over corner for about 1 second. More than a month ago, I dreamed that I am flying, the feeling is really great, but then I understood I am dreaming and could not control it, I understood people can’t fly and started to fall down, I thought this is the end, I will die and I hit the ground, again the enormous pain, but this time I did not wake up, feeling the pain I stood up and said I need help, I am dieing, I could not move, it seemed that I am walking in one place, so I started to panic, I punched myself into my head and woke up.

I think I have a lot of deep psychological problems, but I did not care about it if not the recent two days dreaming, it was like a “god like” dreams, I controlled myself in those dreams, I understood I am dreaming, it was like another world, which I created myself, you can feel like god there. I used to dream those kind of dreams, but never the effect last longer than 10 seconds. It lasted for about 5 minutes, I almost fully controlled it, I imagined that under the other corner there is my friend and when I looked, it really was there.. a bit different with a strange haircut, but that is not the point. There is a WAR inside me and I don’t know how to stop it, it makes me mad, I can’t be myself, I don’t care if I loose it or win it, I want it to stop, even though I always wanted to dream “god like” dreams, it is not so fun when you can’t wake up, in those kind of dreams you’re not yourself, you are stronger or weaker, I remember fought with a guy and won, I remember I got easily beaten up and felt no strength to kick back, my muscles was “out of order”.

Almost forgot to add the main thing, that in the “godlike” dream I was talking, with a friend, I was saying to him that did he knew if this is a dream and it is not real, he said what did I mean and did not believe me, I asked him “how do you know me ? tell something about me” and got a reply that “I know you, what is with you ?” and no more, he was created by my brain, a character.. I still did want to prove that this was a dream and cut of my hand, nothing happened, I did not feel anything, when I turned back he was already gone, I still walked and after some seconds in other room I saw my hand back.. Of course, it is very hard to think there, when you feel like you will now wake up, I just said no, sleep to continue, but the next “episode” changed.. I think you now can imagine something.. :S

For a year now, it is much harder for me to understand there is my reality, there is my dreams and there is my own made up stuff, I just can’t control it anymore, sometimes I think that some episodes from my dreams happened in reality, I start to really believe my made up stories, I think I got lost and know I don’t know the path to get back, I can’t find the door to return, I have started to live in a “fantasy” world which I create for myself, but I hate it, I want it to stop and all the stress vanish somewhere else, I feel like I am crazy, I know that I am smart, but I can’t show it to others I got used to be treated as an idiot and speak as an idiot. I wish I could stop being an idiot and look forward, but I just forget about it, I am pissed of of being alone.

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